Professional athlete Tom Brady and professional model Gisele Bundchen, apparently guilt-ridden over the vapid nature of their own shallow lives, are building a 22,000 square-foot mansion in Los Angeles for the pro-democracy activists of the Occupy Wall Street movement.
Brady and Bundchen are the planet’s highest paid couple – with an estimated $76 million in annual earnings.
They said initial reports that they intended to live alone with their infant son Ben in the sprawling mansion, which is big enough for dozens of people, were inaccurate. And unfairly depicted them as a shallow, materialistic, selfish couple obsessed with their own legend and detached from the suffering occurring all around them amid the worst global economic slowdown in modern history.
“This is our way of repaying society for all the wealth we’ve received for essentially doing nothing for others,” said Bundchen. “Let’s face it, I’ve gotten rich taking my clothes off and acting horny, and Tom gets paid to throw the skin of a dead pig. It’s not like we found a cure for cancer or discovered a cleaner energy source or something.”
The $31 million estate will include eight bedrooms, a six-car garage, lagoon-shaped swimming pool, spa, weight room and a wine cellar. The mansion features a covered bridge connecting its two wings, an elevator, nursery and art gallery.
“This beats the hell out of Zucotti Park,” activist Jesse LaGreca said as he soaked in a jacuzzi with his trademark Civil War-era Union Army cap on his head. “Dude, its got jets.”
Brady and Bundchen have already begun catching grief from their wealthy neighbors in the tony neighborhood. Heiress Petra Ecclestone, who lives nearby in the $85 million Beverly Hills Spelling Mansion, derided the couple as “nuevo rich trash” after learning average people who work for a living would be welcome at the estate.
“These are the real heroes of America,” Brady said of the Occupy Wall Street movement. “Let’s face it, Gisele and I aren’t going to be young and smoking hot forever. When we lose our looks in a couple years and are completely forgotten by an entertainment audience that values appearance above substance, we’d like to be known for more than just celebrating ourselves.”
Former professional running back Edgerrin James, who played against Brady when he was with the Indianapolis Colts, promptly announced plans to one-up Brady by constructing an entire community for immigrant day laborers in Immokalee, Fla. The new community will be called Edquishaville, after his poor daughter who is stricken with the worst female name in human history,
“This has been in the works for years,” James said. “Long before Brady started his project.”