Aging actress and model Elizabeth Hurley celebrated her 55th birthday with 1,003 total strangers Friday. That’s how many men she had to copulate with to break the record for world’s largest gang-bang.
“Happy birthday to me,” Hurley tweeted immediately after the 11-hour event, which was broadcast live as part of National Public Radio’s 4,445th annual pledge drive of 2020.
“I’m grateful to be happy & healthy and so much more symmetrical than everyone else. A special thanks to my makeup artist and cosmetic surgeons, for making me look fabulous, and to my agent and publicists for enabling my continuing addiction to attention from complete strangers.”
Hurley has struggled to compete for sought-after acting roles since appearing in the spy spoof in 1997. The washed-up actress is best known for supporting former boyfriend and fellow acting has-been Hugh Grant, following his 1995 arrest for soliciting the services of a prostitute.
“If I broke up with every rich man who solicits a prostitute I’d never leave the house,” Hurley said at the time. “Who am I to judge those who monetize their bodies?”
Hurley has made a practice of foisting unseemly articles about her nonsensical activities into the social media newsfeeds of unsuspecting Americans in recent years. Ala Donald Trump – The Moron President.
Friday’s record-setting gangbang was preceded by a tweet of Hurley holding a 21-year-old condom from a brief fling with Trump, while dressed in a leopard skin bikini.
“So blessed to still have this bag of trust-fund jizz,” she exclaimed. “Who knew he would be president one day?”
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Hurley celebrated her 54th birthday last year with an Instagram photo of herself weight-lifting in a bikini. Two contestants from the weight-loss show The Biggest Loser served as her spotters.
“Four sticks and a torso,” Hurley quipped vainly. “No one else on the planet has four sticks and a torso quite like me.”
She celebrated her 53rd by posting a 35 year-old pic of herself with her first dildo.
“Still fits,” she exclaimed, proudly adding “I have the hairless coochie of a 12-year-old girl.”
The British has-been is currently isolating in her Herefordshire country home alongside eight other family members. They include her 95-year-old mother Angela.
The time together has been difficult for them all.
“If someone would be kind enough to just shoot me I’d be eternally grateful,” Angela posted on Facebook Friday. “If I have to listen to one more story about how my daughter screwed some rich piece of country club shit, or how amazing she still looks after a lifetime of relative unemployment, I’m going to soil myself.”
Hurley’s coupling with 1,003 complete strangers surpassed the prior world gangbang record, which had been jointly held by sausage wallets Kim, Rob, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian.
Afterward, the marginal actress’ followers were quick to congratulate her.
“How do I unsubscribe from this list pls,” one user joked. “No really, how do I unsubscribe from this list?”
Move over Onion…we’ve got Cynical Times!
Condition green baby.