Wingnuts Hit Hard by Solar Eclipse


Acting Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adam estimates as many as 200,000 Americans experienced partial vision loss following Monday’s solar eclipse – by far the highest total in United States history. President Donald Trump was among the injured.

The injury figure dwarfs the toll from the last total eclipse visible from the U.S. in 1991. Just 21 Americans were injured in that earlier event, which was considerably more “central” by astronomical standards.

Trent-Adams attributed the higher injury count to Trump loyalists aping the behavior of their “idiot president.” The nation’s commander-in-chief ignored the advice of doctors and scientists to stare directly at the sun as the moon passed between it and Earth.

“Donald Trump may very well be the dumbest motherfucker on Planet Earth,” an exasperated Trent-Adams said Tuesday morning, after submitting her resignation. “Anyone who is dumb enough to emulate this idiot president just got exactly what they deserve.”

Trump, who has mocked scientists for years, refused to accept her resignation. However, The Fordham University dropout was reserved and apologetic after visiting with a team of national vision experts and donning a protective eye patch.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” said Trump. “Sure I’ve got a blind spot now, as does KellyAnne (Conway), but there’s a good chance it’s temporary. Afterall, we’re important people with access to the best specialists on the planet who are working with us to fully restore our vision.”

Presidential Counselor KellyAnne Conway said she and Treasury Secretary Stephen Mnuchin removed their protective eclipse viewing eye wear yesterday to emulate Trump. Both were struggling with blind spots this morning.

“If the president says it’s safe, then it’s safe,” Conway said. “I’m sure this temporary inconvenience will subside with the passage of time.

Similar injuries occurred across the nation as Wingnuts, the reflexive rule followers who lionize Trump, aped the president. Their open racism has been compared to the Know Nothing Party of the early 1900s. Less political Americans reveled in their suffering Tuesday.

“If the president jumped off the George Washington Bridge I suppose you would jump off the George Washington Bridge too?” an exasperated Millie Franco of Queens chided her to injured sons Tuesday. “You’re so stupid. Loco.”

U.S. emergency room admission reports suggest as many as 200,000 persons suffered full or partial visual loss following the eclipse, according to Trent-Adam. She estimated a third will fully recover with the passage of time.

Kathy Harben, a spokeswoman for the Centers for Disease Control, said the number of injuries is likely to rise as additional victims seek treatment.

“Natural selection is alive and well,” said Cynthia A. Bradford, president of the American Academy of Ophthalmology. “The really sad part of all this is that everyone does not have access to affordable medical care in this nation.”

Trump’s approval rating rose from 32 percent to 38 percent after news of his injury was made public, according to The Gallup Organization. It’s his best showing in four months.

“I feel so sorry for President Trump,” said Donnelle S. Incompetente, 94, of the Briar Ridge Independent Living Facility, in Des Moines, Iowa (right). “That poor man. Now the liberals and the blacks are trying to blind him.”

The unexpected bump in the polls has encouraged the president to explore other options for self-injury to improve his flagging popularity, according to political adviser Boris Alexandrovich Epshteyn. 

The 1991 total eclipse event was considerably more “central” than yesterday’s total eclipse. It ranks as the most “central” event of its kind along a 1,600 year span from 1217 to 2817. Centrality is a scientific term for the degree to which the moon eclipses the sun.

Because eclipses block the visual spectrum of light, they deactivate the eye’s natural protective instincts. As a result, many people suffer permanent vision loss as the rest of the spectrum bombards their retinas.

That’s the reason doctors tell people to avoid staring directly into the sun. Especially during a total eclipse.

Tuesday’s injuries were not limited to one side of the political aisle. Former U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Ariz.), was also partially blinded. As was Prince Charles of England, who was in Manhattan for the opening of a new sex club.

Geezus Figueroa, 52, of Hawaii, experienced partial vision loss in both eyes. The F-22 Raptor Construction Program Manager at Joint Base Pearl Harbor Hickham said he wished he’d paid more attention to the warnings, instead of emulating his hero.

The longtime rule follower and religious nut, who voluntarily retained his virginity until marriage, said doing so made sense to him. He’s grown accustomed to doubting scientific claims from the reality-based community in recent years as a longtime fan of Fox News.

Figueroa’s dog “Thompson ” was also among the injured.

“How was I to know these Snowflakes were finally on the level after all their attacks on helpless Nazis, their relentless War on Christmas, and their baseless warnings about global warming,” said Figueroa (right). “We all know climate change is baloney. I figured this eclipse thing was the same kind of deal.”


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