Trump Threatens to Gag Critics


Embattled President Donald Trump threatened hundreds of organizations and individuals with closure and imprisonment Wednesday, singling out Tickle Me Elmo and former President Jimmy Carter for firing up the masses and inciting revolution.

The Faux News propaganda network and Russia Today were the only mainstream propaganda networks to carry the six-hour address to the nation, which was ignored by MSNBC, CBS, ABC and the Public Broadcasting System. It comes one day after Trump threatened to revoke MSNBC’s broadcasting license for allegedly referring to him as a “little dik mofo” and reporting he wants to expand the U.S. nuclear arsenal ten times.

The 71-year-old president – who is suffering from Stage-4 Affluenza – has become increasingly bizarre and incoherent as the illness has progressed. He insisted on receiving favorable coverage from news organizations or or no coverage at all during the address, and revealed plans to rename the United States of America to the Republic of Trumpica.

“I just want to thank President Trump for this incredible honor and to wish him a full and complete recovery,” Academy Award winning actor Matt Damon said after learning he’d been named to the list.

Trump’s Enemies List runs into the thousands and is a veritable Who’s Who of those devoted to social justice and representative democracy. It includes the Southern Poverty Law Center, National Organization for Women, Center for Constitutional Rights, American Civil Liberties Union, The Pew Charitable Trusts and the Horatio Alger Association.

“For those who continue to poke fun at me and my peers in the country club set, I can promise you a world of shit,” Trump said, plagiarizing the iconic war film Full Metal Jacket.

“You fugg with me, you fugg with my whole family,” he added, co-opting a line from The Untouchables.

Guitarist Tom Morello and rapper Eminem also made the list. As did comedian Stephen Colbert and actors Mark Ruffalo, Robert DeNiro and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Comedian Kathy Lee Gifford and Daily Show host Trevor Noah were notable snubs.
“I can’t believe I didn’t make the cut,” said Gifford, who drew attention to herself by holding up Trump’s severed head in May. “I don’t know how the president can call this an Enemies List and then forget to include me. Gad-dammit.”

The Enemies List comes as Trump is rumored to be on the verge of asking the First Lady to resign to clear the way for him to marry daughter Ivanka. Melania Trump and her son Barron have been living in Manhattan since Oct. 8, when she filed for divorce, citing “irreconcilable dickishness.”

It’s been a tough month for the entire Trump clan. Presidential advisers Jared Kushner and Eric Trump were mortally wounded last week in an encounter with a koala bear while hunting in Australia. And first wife Ivana Trump has begun speaking to the media again in a voice many have likened to the Frau Farbissina character form the Austin Power film series.

Trump’s Enemies List has been lauded by many of those on it.

“It’s a rare treat for me personally, and for the entire Sesame Street family, to be named to a list which includes with such luminaries of stage, screen and public service,” Tickle Me Elmo said in a prepared statement.

DeNiro, a two-time Academy Award winner, described himself as “humbled and proud.”

Jimmy Carter, who served as the 39th president, lamented the Trump Administration. He said the U.S. Supreme Court’s indefensible ruling in the Citizens United case in 2010 opened the U.S. electoral system to unlimited corporate donations. It has turned democracy on its ear.

“In place of being led by best and brightest we’re now afflicted by the richest and most boorish,” said Carter.


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