Most Trumplickers Support Idol’s Lack of Control

A new survey by the Pew Research Center found that 90 percent of President Donald Trump’s supporters have a favorable view of his complete lack of impulse control.

That percentage has nearly doubled since he took office on Feb. 20, 2017. In a January 2017 Pew survey, just 45 percent of Trumplickers said the same.

Pew’s new survey, released Friday, asked likely Trump supporters with IQs in the third cohort to rate their support for the 45^th president. It turned out to be strongest among men who hadn’t had a girlfriend for at least two years.

“One of the questions we wanted to examine was how second-string males evaluate President Trump’s impact on their lives,” said Monica Anderson, a Pew research associate and the lead author of the study. “His ability to connect with the so-called ‘can’t get laid without paying for it crowd’ is widely believed to be the key to his political base.”

After conducting the survey, she said, Pew found most Trumplickers shared the sentiment that his rise to power gave them hope they wouldn’t be losers their whole lives. Especially, among over-the-road truck drivers clearing less than $400 a week, who think the Republican Party is on their side.

In all, 84% of Trumplickers said his obvious stupidity and miscues were a source of inspiration for them. With 11 percent viewing him as their “lord and savior.”

Those results compare with 43 percent for “obvious stupidity” last year and 2 percent for “lord and savior.”

The rise in the “obvious stupidity” category is probably linked to the use of smaller words and more pictures by the Right Wing Noise Machine, according to Anderson. Fox News began limiting sentences to 10 words or less this year. Down from a 15 word max in 2016 and 23 in 2015. So-called “big words” are also frowned upon by the network known as the propaganda arm of the Republican Party.

The shift led to the resignation of Chief Intelligence Correspondent Bjorn Reich last month, who had waged a losing battle against the idea that all Fox viewers are morons.

“Come to find out, I actually like President Trump more because he’s such a fuck up,” said Danny Dumas (left), an African American truck-driver from Winterset, Iowa. “Most politicians pretend they’re perfect, but Trump’s so stupid he doesn’t even bother. I feel like that makes him more trustworthy.”

“Also, we’re both people of color with Trump being orange and my being black,” added Dumas, 38, who hasn’t been laid since 2006.

Brody Squarepants (right), 35, said the Pew results ring true for him. The West Virginia coal miner and self-described Trumplicker gets most of his news from Fox News.

“I like Fox News because their newscasters are so hot looking,” Squarepants said. “And I like Trump because he’s a blue collar guy just like me and the rest of the guys I know.”

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Trump, whose nickname is “Donnie Trustfund,” is actually a former trust-fund baby who inherited his wealth from his father and has never worked a real day in his life. The 71-year-old casino magnate and real estate tycoon attended private schools in his youth and socializes at pricey country clubs where blue collar workers are unwelcome

“We feel like he’s one of us,” said Squarepants, who hasn’t been laid since 2011.

Anderson attributed Trump’s gains in the “lord and savior” category to the support he’s received from the Westboro Baptist Church, Lubavitch Rabbi Schmuley Boteach, and The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

The results get even more interesting when you look at the responses when Pew asked Trumplickers whether they would like Trump more if he started a needless war that cost them their lives.

Thirty-one percent said they would be honored to die in the service of his political ambitions, and 45 percent said they felt that a needless war which elevated corporate profit growth was a worthwhile endeavor.

The survey also asked respondents to identify their favorite professional sports team. Eight-one percent of likely Trumplickers listed either The New York Jets or The Washington Generals, the basketball squad which gets paid to lose to the Harlem Globetrotters.

One of the key themes in the study was the idea that “being a useful idiot for a narcissistic billionaire gives meaning to the lives of working class Americans who dislike learning new things.”

But that wasn’t the dominant response. Instead, more Trumplickers said they supported Donnie Trustfund because they thought he was making stupid and racist look sexy. Especially to feminists.

“Sure, the feminazis bad talk him online, but you can tell they want him,” said Richard Les Georgopoulos.” I mean, just look at the man, he’s surrounded by beautiful women.”

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Pew surveyed 4,993 Americans via telephone from Feb. 20 to April 8. Approximately 22 percent were in permanent vegetative states. The survey has a margin for error of 87.3 percent.

It began one week after the mass shooting at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School, in Parkland, Fla, which killed 17 and wounded 17.

The suspected shooter, 19-year-old Nicholas Cruz, was a Trumplicker who posted a photo of himself prior to the shooting. .

“Normally, we would delay a survey like this after such a big event, but it doesn’t impact Trumplickers,” said Pew’s Monica Anderson. “They blamed the rest of the world for their inability to get laid before the shooting. And they’ve continued to blame the rest of us for their diminished mating rights afterward.

“Trump’s sense of entitlement and failure to take accountability for his bad deeds hits a chord with them, according to Pew.

“Trumplickers are neither principled conservatives nor principled Republicans,” Anderson said. “They’re opportunistic posers. Just like the limousine liberals who take the benefits of their political belief system without the burdens on the left.”

Editors Note No. 1: Satire is not fake news. Fake news is meant to deceive, whereas satire is meant to entertain and always lets the reader in on the gag at some point. Which is why any humorless mofo who posts some nonsense on social media about this article being fake news, without reading it first, will be skinned alive.