The working class heroes laboring on your behalf here at The Cynical Times are always on the lookout for a new way to add some value to the gutless, milquetoast pablum you’re regularly spoon-fed by the mainstream snooze media.
With that lofty goal in mind we’re launching a new segment called “who wore it better,” in a bid to cover the crucial comedic intersection of fashion and politics in the evaporating democracy that is the United States of Corporate America.
Our inaugural celebrity walk-off features the handsome, debonair and always stylishly rumpled presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, versus epic political hooker Hillary Clinton. The latter has made a career out of competing with her husband Bill to see who can generate the largest legalized bribes from the Fortune 500 by selling out the American middle class.
U.S. Sen. Bernie Jesus (I – Vt.) is shown at the top of this article on the red carpet outside Tuesday’s big Black Lives Matter fundraiser in Ferguson, Mo. He’s sporting a modest, hooded homespun monk’s robe by designer Tom Ford. His footwear isn’t visible beneath the brown and white garment, but sources assure us they’re a pair of Birkenstocks the Social Democrat has owned since 1962, when Bernie was arrested as a student at the University of Chicago for protesting segregation in public schools.
Fendi Zucca, but of course.
“These monk’s robes are draftier than they look,” Sanders, 74, told us as he waited to be interviewed by CNN’s Poppy Harlow. “If I’d known it was going to be this chilly I would never have gone commando.”
Underwear was a recurring theme for both elderly competitors.
The politician formerly known as Hillary Rodham Clinton – who recently underwent a painful legal name change to “Princess Di” – is shown sporting an Armani royalty robe. The garment was hand-crafted from a single continuous piece of gold lame – a notoriously difficult fabric to work with when it comes to stain removal – by a crew of Saudi Arabian seamstresses laboring under royal threat of genital mutilation.
Di, 69, prefers to describe the impressive garment as a “Hijab”robe. She says she only wears it when visiting her backers in the House of Saud.
Di accessorized the gown with a pair of satin pumps by Jimmy Chu, an Yves Saint Laurent couture catsuit and a Heidi Klum thong. She said the biggest challenge was the thong (not shown).
“These thongy things are not as comfortable as they look,” Di lamented. “but it’s a small price to pay for fashion. You can tell from the quality workmanship that the artisans who crafted this lovely garment for me were really motivated.”
Join us again next week when we pit political hooker Cory Booker against silver spoon mofo Jeb Bush and ask the pressing question of our time: “Which man has a bigger pumpkin head and who is more inept at matching up a shirt and tie?
The showdown Is already sizing up to be a classic confrontation, given the bad blood between the two silver spoon mofos.
Bush staked out his platform Sunday on Meet The Press.
“The tie thing is a toss up, but there’s no friggin way my head is half the size of Booker’s melon,” Bush said. “At least not since my successful skull reduction surgery at Cedar Sinai Medical Center in Harrison, Ark. I actually used a revolving door yesterday without giving it a second thought.”
Booker says he had a clean win over Bush prior to the procedure and that should be the benchmark they’re compared upon. He accused Jeb, whose real name is “John Ellis Bush,” of engaging in the political equivalent of “juicing.”
The term “juicing” is an apparent allusion to the steroid scandals which tarred Major League Baseball in the late 1990s and first years of the new millennium.
“Jeb couldn’t beat me straight up,” Book said as he caressed a shivering dog hired from a Hollywood animal wrangler for the interview. “So, what’s he do? He goes out and cheats. That’s so Bush.”
“By the way,” Booker said. “This dog is being paid union scale.”