Bachmann Rides Monster Corn Dog to Straw Poll Win

Wingnut presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann gave America one of the most disturbing political images in its history when she went tonsils-deep on a monster corn dog at the Iowa State Fair. The U.S. Representative for Minnesota then held a second corn dog as her feminine husband Marcus daintily nibbled on it.

The stunt propelled Bachmann to an early win in the Iowa Straw Poll. No word yet on whether a Paris Hilton-style sex tape is next for the religious nut, but videos of the phallic event have already become a YouTube sensation.

American politicians bear a striking similarity to hookers even at the best of times, but the resemblance becomes more pronounced during elections due to their willingness to do just about anything for a vote. As unlikely as it may seem, candidates from both political machines actually have a long history of gobbling up phallic shaped foods to draw media attention to themselves.

Bachmann’s enthusiastic performance in Des Moines easily eclipsed them all.mccain

First, the Minnesota Congresswoman elevated her game by engulfing a monster corn dog that easily dwarfed those consumed by John McCain (far right) and Barack Obama (near right) during the 2008 presidential race. Bachmann then went yard again by having hubby Marcus go to town on one beside her in a homoerotic political photo op of epic proportions (below left).

Marcus, who bears a striking similarity to the character Cameron Tucker in the “Modern Family” TV series, nibbled away as wife Michelle held the stick steady for him. The would-be First Gentleman runs a counseling practice which has collected several hundred thousands dollars of federal tax money for helping gays pray themselves straight.

No word on whether monster corn dogs are part of Marcus’ systemObama, but he seemed perfectly at home with them.

Bachmann finished with 28.55 percent of the tiny vote in the Iowa Straw Poll, or 4,823 ballots. It’s a fairly meaningless political measure of popularity among conservative Iowa residents who live in the middle of no-where.

The painful truth is that the Aug. 13 event in Ames, Iowa, is really more about drawing attention to the area than politics, and gets a lot more press than it deserves. Just to put the straw vote in proper context, we’re talking about 16,892 total votes. That’s less than the entire population of Defiance, Ohio.

Satire14More than 700 media credentials were issued for the Iowa Straw Poll, which is about one for every 24 voters. That’s better than the teacher-student ratios in most public schools.

“The only reason anybody pays attention to the Iowa Straw Poll is because the media gives it all this unwarranted coverage,” said Chris Ingram, a national political consultant and pollster who runs the Irreverent View website. “It’s a cheap, easy newspeg for a lazy national media.”

Bachmann pulled away from the pack after her impressive showing at the corn dog stand. Texas Congressman Ron Paul, who shunned the corn dog stand, finished second with 4,671 votes.

Self-described political experts said Paul basically spit the bit on the corn dog issue, raising doubts about how badly he wants the nation’s highest office.

“There’s nothing worse than a candidate who won’t listen,” said one strategist. “If I had a nickel for every time I’ve told them they’re nothing more than a box of cereal – what kind is up to me – I’d be a rich man.”

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty finished third with 2,293 votes, or 13.57 percent. And former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania was fourth with 1,657 votes, or 9.81 percent of the vote.

SantorumSantorum’s poor showing clearly demonstrates that voters who cast ballots solely based on phallic considerations prefer the MCD to the really huge ice cream cone that he was mouthing in the photo at right, according to a source familiar with his campaign.

Perry Texas Gov. Rick Perry (left) tried to bridge the MCD gap as a write-in candidate, but came up short with only 718 votes despite going tonsils deep. The Iowa event was a learning experience for Perry, according to political experts, who are looking for him to gobble the MCDs down with wife Anita Thigpen beside him once the 2012 president campaign starts in earnest.

“Perry has the desire, but he still needs to do some work on his presentation,” said one expert. “With God’s help and a nice pair of leather chaps, he can recover from this.”

romneyMitt Romney (right), who was viewed as the Republican front-runner prior to the Iowa Straw Poll, was almost non-existent with 567 votes. Experts attributed that poor showing to the former Massachussetts’s governor’s decision to emulate John Kerry’s “hold, but don’t actually deep throat” approach to the MCD. Kerry ran unsuccessully as the Democratic candidate for president in 2004.

Food industry experts say the use of the MCD strictly as a prop is distasteful to some voters, who feel it’s reminiscent of former President Bill Clinton’s “smoked but didn’t inhale” defense of his youthful indulgence in marijuana. It also echoes the military’s wishy washy “don’t ask, don’t tell” stance toward gay and lesbian service-members.

kerryMentioning Kerry also gives us a chance to run the understated homoerotic photo to the right. Strategists questioned his liberal application of Grey Poupon Mustard to what is clearly meant to be a Blue Collar corn dog.

“That monster corn dog just won’t hunt,” one political strategist said of the mustard-smeared MCD in Kerry’s hand. “It’s common knowledge within political circles that a monster corn dog has to be tonsils deep to make points with our increasingly jaded electorate.

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